Battling Depression - Awkward Sleep Patterns

I've switched my medication to Zoloft from Celexa for depression, because celexa was making me way too anxious. Since being on the Zoloft, I've been tired an awful lot and sleeping a lot of hours. I have energy, but for too brief a time. It doesn't last long enough to do the things I need to do that normally I'd probably be looking forward to. I don't seem to enjoy doing the same things that I used to get a lot of enjoyment out of. I need to go to my doctor, but it's hard to get the energy to even do that. But, I definately need to do it. I just wish that I didn't feel like garbage all the time.

I try like crazy to keep a regular sleep schedule - up during the day and sleep at night, but it doesn't ever seem to work out. I always end up sleeping in too late. I know that everyone is tired in the morning, but I don't think they are nearly as tired as I am. They can still get up and not feel like sleeping another 4 hours after they already got 7 hours of sleep. I'm so tired of being sick and tired.

The worst of it is when people get on your case over it like my family and clients sometimes. They claim that I purposely blow them off and that I don't care about them, because I don't always show up to things, call them or interact with them enough. I'm fucking depressed! That's what happens. I don't do it on purpose. It's very typical of depressed people to isolate and not show up or keep appointments, because they are too tired even if they have the best intentions of being there. The depression takes over and even if I do show up, I won't be miss personality even if I do.

Dingleberries, Poopie Gangs and Shit Starters

I'm watching gangland on tv. I googled dingle berries on google and got linked to a website called ask poop report. Now that is fucked up. A website dedicated to nothing but poop. But it was funny. So I wonder what you get charged with if you do a drive by farting. I drive, you lean your ass out the window and fart on unsuspecting bystanders. My white cat is chewing everything in the house. He chews paper, cardboard and all paper products. Books, cd inlays, notebooks, cardboard boxes, etc. I love him so much. His fur is so soft. Anyways, back to dingle berries. Instead of Knots Berry Farm, let's have a Dingle Berry Farm. We can have a ride called the poop shoot!. Then another ride called the diarrhea coaster. In all seriousness. I have bad gas tonight. Have you ever farted in a fully loaded elevator? How about in a car with a lot of people and then look at someone else like they did it?

Gangsta said I'll pop yo' ass or did he say I'll poop your ass. Still got gangland on. How about the dingle berry gang? They throw their dingle berries at you when you ride through their hood. Their rival gang is clean ass wipe. They use their fingers to make a C and then a W with the other hand. The dingle berries sign is a D and B with the other hand. They sell toilet paper on their blocks in little baggies. My cats are looking at me strange because I'm laughing out loud. The leader of the dingle berry gang is called the big Dingle and he's wanted all over the state. You can see him every Sunday dressed in all white with toilet paper coming out of his ass. The police have been tracking him by the tracks of toilet paper and dingle berries that eventually fall off.

In all seriousness, I was driving to the gym earlier today and this big fat black SUV wouldn't let me over into the correct lane I needed to be in even though I had my blinker on for like 5 minutes. Finally, I barged my way in and then it went around me. Rude bastard. I get to the exit and who should be in front of me but the black SUV. So I'm on my way to the gym and I notice that it's going the same place that I am. I said to myself 10 bucks says this asswipe is going to my gym. Sure as the sun will rise tomorrow, it did. So I decided to play a trick. I went inside to give the lady at the desk my card. Then, I said that someone in a black SUV Denali left their lights on. So she paged it over the whole gym. Sure enough, some guy runs out. Hahahaha! Take that you prick!

Resentments - part 2 - 4/21/09

My life for 6 years was ruined and could have been potentially made better, if I wasn't sent to those shitty schools. I hate my parents for making me go to these crappy ass nasty schools with those bratty, snotty, nasty kids. From junior high and then high school, it was like the worst years of my life. I had no friends and then the friends I did finally meet were all alcoholics and drug addicts. Thanks a lot. I wanted to go to a boarding school where I could have gotten a decent education and learned something. I could have gotten on a major sports team and developed my sports. I could have developed my art. Instead, I ended up at a shitty blue collar high school where no one wants to do anything with their life. Half the students didn't even go to college. What losers! My parents are such losers. Just because my Dad had such a shitty high school life, he decided it was ok for me to go through misery too. Gee thanks. They never let me do what I wanted to do and always held me back. They were always a thorn in my side. I wanted to pursue art and music, and they stood in my way the whole time. Wouldn't even let me major in art in college? Expected me to be stuck in a shitty job that I'd hate for the rest of my life just because that's what they had to go through. What a bag of garbage some people inflict on their kids. Now I barely have the motivation to get up in the morning. Still don't hardly have any friends. How am I supposed to trust anyone after what I went through in those lousy schools and in life in general? Never has someone been through such misery or had their dreams taken away from them. Every other kid gets hope and challenge and encouragement. I got nothing but discouragement and despair and negativity. And I still get plenty. I've been told that I have a negative outlook on life. Gee, I wonder where I get it from. It wouldn't have to do with your assholes always getting in my way, would it? And never allowing me to live out my dreams.

April 19 - Feeling Angsty

Events and feelings certainly do not necessarily go hand in hand. I had a really good client today, but for some reason I'm bitchy and finding fault with everything. I'm criticizing everything around me. I don't know where it started, but every little stupid thing is on my nerves. From having to park a mile down the road, because the people in my fucking apartment complex have to invite the whole world here instead of crowding up their houses and apartments, no. they have to come to mine. I can just hear the little foreigners right now from India and God knows where else. I wish they would just pack up and move back to wherever the fuck they are from. Our nation is already overcrowded. All they are doing is taking jobs away from hardworking Americans. Bitching about how this is such a one horse town. All the stores are the same. Once you've been to one strip mall, you have been to them all. They all sell the same crap. And believe me, it's crap. I went to Kohl's the other day and didn't find one outfit that I was remotely interested in wearing. I like to dress sharp, not like a slob. Well, good luck with that here in Redneck Arizona. Home of the cowboys, nascar idiots and pick-up trucks. These people have about as much fashion sense as Ernest from Ernest Goes To Hollywood. I have to fly to LA or New York just to go shopping. Everytime people ask me where I get my clothes, I say New York.

As usual, I still have the resentments on past incidents of people being nasty to me like one time when I was roller blading around 7th and Dunlap - the path that goes through there. I parked at one of the restaurants to get ready to blade and some fat slob came out and started giving me shit. Then, started cussing at me. I should have just gotten a pipe out of my car and hit him upside the head with it, but I'd be in jail. But, it would have been nice just to pummel his head into the ground. Another time, I was trying to do my studies at the shitty college called Glendale Community College - don't ever go there. And some dumb punk wouldn't turn down his nasty obnoxious music in the cafeteria so that I could study. He even told me where I could complain. So I did. What a piece of shit! Thank God I don't go to that rotten school anymore. That doesn't even include the track coach who gave me a hard time for attempting to run around the track. What a ghetto of a place! Oh, and the teachers suck, too. Most of the colleges and vocational schools out here suck balls. Save your money! and wait until you get to a decent state like California to learn something. There is a reason that Arizona ranked like 49th on education level. Because the schools out here suck including the colleges. The colleges up in Flagstaff like Coconino Community and NAU are pretty good. But, I've never been to a good school in Phoenix, and all they are after is your cash.

April 16, 2009 - Resentments

I had serious anxiety for awhile so now they put me on Buspar which is good for it. But all of the sudden, all the resentments are popping up. Things that people have done in the past to me. I'm in the process of finding a new therapist to work these things out with. I certainly can't talk to my family about them. Just stupid thoughts that have been popping up left and right. Someone who was rude to me on a bus, a moving company that ripped me off, a smartass comment someone made at me LAST YEAR, the idiot roommate that turned out to be a meth head, and then the bitch that cut me off at the airport line. And on and on it goes. And I find a lot of times I lash out at people around me in the present based on some garbage from the past. Then, I know I also come off as a hard ass don't-fuck-with-me type which isn't helping people to get close to me. I don't like being a bitch, but it seems that's my only way. I feel like I want to inflict the pain on others that was done to me. But, this isn't helping me. All it's doing is making me miserable and the people that I have the resentment against don't feel it unless I hunt them down which I have done. But it still doesn't help me, because of the angst that is still going on in my head. The feelngs of worthlessness and abandonment don't go away no matter whose ass I kick. And everytime someone reminds me of those feelings by treating me bad, I don't just want to slap them, I want to kill them. I can honestly understand why a mass murderer or someone like that guy at Virginia Tech finally loses it and just starts shooting people at random. I hope to God I never end up that way, but I can understand what would make somebody snap and prove to the world once and for good that they are not going to be a victim anymore even if it means victimizing others.

I know I'm not the only one to have been slighted by someone, but somehow I feel all alone like I'm the only. Bad things only happen to me and not other people. I know that I've had a lot of traumatic things that happened to me as a youth like being imprisoned against my will, beat up by both parents and kids in the neighborhood and ignored for the most part except when someone wanted someone to beat/pick on. I really need to work through these issues. But I really feel a lot of times like no one understands me. Then, if I convey or express my violent fantasies, people get scared of me or alert the police.

Day Before Easter 2009

Well, it's the day before Easter. My best friend talked about me going to church. I'm not so into church. I've never really gotten much out of it. I tend to understand the eastern philosophies much better. It teaches me more to just sit with myself and let things be. I ended hiking up Squaw Peak to the top today. It was raining out at first. Then there was some thunder, but I didn't see any lightning so I pressed on. The rocks tend to become really slick from the rain. It was easier for me to go up then to come down. Coming down, you need to take big steps to get down over the boulder and rocks. It's all natural cut trail except a few parts where they made steps out of the rocks. Some of the steps down are pretty steep. It reminded me of when I went hiking in the Grand Canyon. There was as much mule shit though. Lots of people were on the trail today from all over the world it seemed even though it was raining. When I got to the top it mysteriously stopped. I sat there for about twenty minutes just to be still. Some anxiety came over me and then went away as I looked out over the hills and other mountains in the area. On another side was the city of Phoenix. It really isn't all that big a city all things considered. It started to rain more so I headed back down. I remember seeing a black hawk flying below the peak. It is really only 1.2 mile hike up, but takes about 40 minutes because of the steepness of it.

Afterwards, I ended up eating in a Chinese buffet style restaurant. I remember my friend, Richard, saying that those are the type of places where you get the runs as soon as you hit the parking lot. OK, it wasn't that bad, but the crab legs were overcooked and the mongolian BBQ wasn't done all that well. It filled my belly. Hopefully, I don't get the shits tomorrow. I doubt it. I miss being able to visit my family on Easter. Being out here in Phoenix makes me a million miles away from everyone. My Dad and my Mom's family are back in Jersey. My Mom is in Northern Cali. The closest relative I have is my sister and we aren't on speaking terms. She's in Orange County, Ca which I hate anyways. My friend, Wilson, is having dinner with a few friends of his from work, and he's going to see if he can invite me along. Worse comes to worse, I'll spend the day here with my kitties who I adore so much.

April 10 - Good Friday - New Attitude toward Anxiety

I'm reading this book that my therapist told me to read called "Don't Panic." I've read the first 200 pages. It came to the conclusion after talking about all these women that have panic symptoms that you need to face your fear. I had suspected that this was going to be the answer all along. How else would you get over it? So starting tomorrow, I will be going on a hike at Squaw Peak probably in the rain and I will take my bike with me so I can go riding around there. It will be rainy, but I'll deal with it. After all, I love the outdoors. I will be cool so I'll bring a jacket and an umbrella. I suspect that the uncomfortable feelings are not permanent, but we are a "feel good" society that focuses on being happy way too much.

The book goes on to say that you are supposed to sit where you feel uncomfortable for like 45 minutes for your brain-body to get used to the new situation. I want to be able to focus on my art more and get serious about continuing that. I'm still learning the flash program. There are so many times where I get impatient and I just want to get it done now, so that I can get on the bigger project of creating and marketing. I guess it's one step at a time and learning patience which doesn't come easy to me.