Hopeless

Well, I'm up again and having a hard time with sleep because of these pills that make me nauseous. I just want to sleep. I'm thinking of telling my doctor to take me off the lamictal and just keep me on the abilify and zoloft. All I want to know is why it took so long for me to get any help with medication. Why was I allowed to live some 39 years with bipolar untreated. Why has everything turned out the way it did? I feel so unsuccessful at life. So many times, I feel like I haven't done enough. I make these men happy, but I can't seem to be happy myself. to be satisfied. The stigma kills me sometimes. The uncertainty that maybe I am living the wrong way. What will happend to me? Will I pay any more consequences? Are these consequences a form of punishment? When will I be able to successfully change careers?

I think of all those times that I try to have regular jobs. How I tried so hard to be a part of everything. So many jobs that I would only be fired after 3 weeks. Right after I hadn't gotten into the swing of things. Why? I think of many people who have bipolar that are still able to have jobs even with their disease being active. Why was I denied that chance? Why did I quit so many things feeling that the same thing would happen, the same rejection would happen, if I hadn't? I feel so rejected by society with noone to let me in or give me my space or my place in it. Still I refuse to give up and have the play the hand that I was dealt no matter how hopeless it seems. I've never fit in. I wonder what fitting in even feels like. What's it like to click with other human beings and travel through life together? I haven't a clue. Seems that all other people have tried to do is ruin me and deny me everything. Because I'm bipolar, I can't be part of this or that. People know that I wasn't right, because of it but never offered me any help. In fact, the first therapist I went to I had to seek out.