Worrying Too Much?

I've been diagnosed with bipolar disorder. I've had it most of my adult life and haven't recognized it as such. I'm still trying to figure out which medicines work best for me. Lately, I'm having trouble with worry and anxiety. I don't know what has brought it on. A lot of times, I feel like the whole world is on my shoulders. I feel like I have so much responsibility. It can be overwhelming. Making a living, trying to find a mate, a rigorous work out routine, my own business, my age, my busted achilles tendon. I lose confidence in my ability to complete tasks and to work out. Things that I love to do all of the sudden worry me. Whether I can finish them or not or do them period. I wish I had someone to talk to. I've been having so much creative block, too since I've been on medication. All those inspirations and drive and passion - gone. It seems I wonder if I'll ever find anything to write about and be passionate about it. Maybe I'll just become one of those boring writers that talks about economics or technology. A technical writer, lol. I can bore everyone except the most limited number of techy geeks and aloof professors.

Most days, I sit around a lot and wait for calls to come in. When I'm not busy on a massage call, I try to fill my time with most anything. Shopping, running errands, talking on the phone to someone I met in my bipolar support group, chatting on the computer, blogging about something, trying to find a man on match.com, etc. The last couple of weeks, I've been reading lonely planet books on Ireland, Austria and Greece. I've been writing down where I want to go in these countries, when to go and what to do when I get there. I've also been boning up on my geography of different countries around the world and where they are located. The book is a "color-it-in" type book. It's sort of like those anatomy and physiology color books where coloring is the way you study the parts of the body and bodily functions. I'm amazed at how many countries are in Africa. Africa is the continent that I get the most confused about as far as the location of it's countries is concerned.

I look forward to going to sleep. That's when I know the day is over, and I don't have anymore responsibility. I'm surprised that I don't worry about my ability to sleep. I've never ever questioned my ability to do things, learn things or accomplish things. Never ever the whole time I was just on anti-depressants did I ever question my abilities. I was even cocky about how much better I was than everyone else. Now, I'm full of self-doubt. I hate it. I need to get back to me. Back to the person who knows she can do anything that she sets her mind to.

Back when I was only on anti-depressants, I would cycle faster mood-wise. I would get more manias and then get tired and depressed later on in the day or that week. When I was manic, I felt like I could conquer the world. Of course, it would never last, but I didn't care. It's true that I would start things and never finish them. It was true that I didn't accomplish much, but it didn't seem to bother me. Now, it bothers me, and it nags at me beckoning me to continue to finish whatever I'm on. It calls me to get done whatever I need to get done. Is this what it's like to be like everyone else out there? Just a series of tasks to be completed and to feel anxious if it isn't finished. Do normal people worry about their ability to do something?