Cheryl Lightning

Riding Times

2012-01-10T12:39:00.000-08:00

It's been awhile since I blogged on here. I finally got the clip in shoes for my bike and the clip in pedals. I took my first ride today with them on. I feel like I got so much more power out of them then I did without. I ended up riding 25 miles with very little aches or pains. When I took my bike to the bike shop last time, they also adjusted the height of my seat to be up higher. It's been a lot better so far.

My Spanish has been coming along. I've been studying a few pages a day in my notebook and taking notes out of the Spanish intermediate book which is where I'm at now. Some of the information they are giving to me is a little more advanced then the level that I'm supposed to be at. Sometimes it's hard to concentrate.

My medication has improved my mood drastically. I'm no longer getting these out of control mood swings. It has mellowed me out quite a bit. I, now, know that I cannot go off my medications, any of them, for any reason without my doctor's say so. I look forward to being able to see her again sometime in February. At that point, I'm going to tell her about my plans to travel to Austria.

Life Sucks Right Now

2011-12-14T19:51:00.000-08:00

Lately, I've been sleeping alot. I get disappointed in myself. I keep hoping it will get better, but it hasn't so far. The last time I went to my psychiatrist, she told me to up my dosage of abilify. The lamictal takes such a long time to kick in that this would help meanwhile. So far, it hasn't worked. I woke up at 7:30 am and ate breakfast. I was so tired that I just went to back to bed and slept until 1 am.

I'm sick of Christmas songs playing everywhere. I know no one will ever read this blog, and it sucks. I wish my word was in print everywhere. I wish I was on the cover of a magazine. I wish I was rich and famous and could walk into any place and have people wanting to know who I was. But, I'm nobody. Just an average schmo, so when I go to these stupid parties, events, clubs, Christmas parties or what have you, I have to introduce myself to people and talk to people that I can't stand.

Life is so unfair. I don't deserve this. I deserve better than to be an average nobody working at an average job for an average salary. I hate life. I'm unhappy. I want to travel to other places where I can relate to people. I want to visit and maybe live in a place where people accept you for who you are. I want to visit and live in a place where everyone is one big happy family and pleased to share their joy with you. Maybe that dream is too much of a utopia and that's the problem. Maybe the reason I sleep so much is that my dreams are more interesting and fun than my reality. I don't know. Or maybe I'm just too tired to deal with reality.

Drop Everything For Me, I'm Calling You

2011-12-11T23:09:00.000-08:00

Today is Sunday. I took the Santiago Canyon bike ride of 32 miles again. The inner side of my right leg hurts. I think it's because I pulled the muscle awhile back, and it hasn't quite healed all the way. I came back to the clean the house and do the laundry. I got a call from a potential client today, but I acted unwilling in the tone of my voice to take it. I was in my cleaning clothes without make-up on and not really ready to take an appointment. It goes like that sometimes. There are a lot of times when I just don't feel like working. I feel angry and resentful sometimes, because I don't get called back by any of these people who say they will be back. I do get call backs sometimes, but not enough in my opinion. I do get tired of guys who don't want to schedule an appointment and expect you to drop everything at the last minute to accommodate them whether you are ready or not. It's real annoying to the point where I'm starting to not give a shit. I'm ready to just take the appointment and not be dressed up at all without make up on all messy and smelly from exercise or whatever. I mean these guys expect that I'm going to be sitting by the phone 24/7 with nothing else to do but wait on their call. Do they not know that I have other things to do in my life besides that and everytime I'm doing these other things is when they decide to call. It is a very frustrating and thankless job that I do. I feel unappreciated a lot.

My Life As Of Late

2011-12-06T14:36:00.000-08:00

I had a good massage call last night with a great client, but unfortunately, I started feeling nauseous towards the end. I think sometimes the stress that another person has and the mental bullshit that is going on in their life can be transferred to you. Their negative energy can infect you and cause physical symptoms. We studied about this in massage classes. I was nauseous from 7 pm that day until well into the night around 3 am. I just hope it was just negative energy from that man and not that I could be pregnant. I don't see how I could possibly be pregnant considering that everytime I have sex, I use a condom, but of course, I know that they aren't fool proof. I just hope to God that I'm not pregnant.

It's been kind of slow lately. Yesterday was a bit of a disappointment. I had one call and thought that I had another appointment, but it fell through. I spend a lot of money on Christmas presents, and I really need to make all that money back plus some for savings. I put some ads up on a site I'll call hx, but as usual I had no luck. I just got the typical bargain hunters and the asshole bottom feeders asking me 50 questions and then not scheduling anything. That site is so useless. I use it to chat on, because you can learn a lot from what the other ladies are doing. It's nice to be able to chat back and forth with other people in the same business. There is a certain camaraderie that gets formed.

I can't seem to motivate myself to study this Spanish that I paid all this money for. I'm thinking of just taking a class at the local college this January. But, I don't know if it will be enough to motivate me. I think part of the problem is that I'm not on a full dose of this medication yet. I need to get up to at least 100 mg, and I'm only at 25mg. It's part of the process of taking this particular drug. You need to be weaned on to it. On top of that, if I miss three days of taking this medication, I have to start all over again. So, I'll be sure to take it every day. I'm taking a cocktail of 4 pills every night. But, I really can't complain if it works. We are going for stability. I would really like to have a steady sleep schedule. That is my dream. Awake at 7 or 8 and to bed at 11 or 12. Then, I will know that my meds are finally working.

Mammoth Ski Trip

2011-11-30T16:16:00.001-08:00

Wow, I haven't been blogging a lot lately. There is so much new stuff to blog about. I just got back from a trip to Mammoth Lakes, California. I went there with Doug who I met from match.com. He is an amazing guy. He has rescued people who have gone over the side of a mountain in their cars on the way up to Big Bear. He has his own successful business and has been working in cabinet making since he was eighteen. He also has a talent for photography. On the way up to Mammoth, he told me stories about his days in the boy scouts where he would go on week long trip into the woods with them. They would go on 25, 50 and 100 mile hikes where they would camp out in the woods. It sounds like fun. It sounds like an adventure, but it also sounds scary at the same time. I've never done anything like that before.

It was a long 6 hour drive to get up there. There isn't much to look at. Most of the trip was at 3,000 to 4,000 feet elevation of high desert. It seemed like desert the whole way until we made a left turn up a hill and within a half hour we were there. We stayed at a lodge that had a nice restaurant right next to it. This restaurant is where we ate Thanksgiving dinner. The town of Mammoth is at 8,000 elevation. Needless to say, I got dizzy after drinking a cup of a mocha at the local coffee shop. We got our lift tickets to avoid the long lines at the ski lodge. By then, I was freezing even though it was only 32 degrees. I wasn't used to the cold at all, so I went back to the lodge to get on my ski coat.

Dinner was awesome. We had a spinach salad appetizer, and then we ate a full turkey dinner with stuffing, gravy and cranberry sauce. We split dessert, and Doug had a full bottle of wine. I was too dizzy and tired to drink from the altitude, so I just ended up drinking a ton of water. It was busy at the restaurant. Every restaurant was all about do you have reservations.

The next day we got up around 8 am to get ready to ski. I dressed up in my coat, ski hat, gloves, snow pants, double socks with sock warmers and thermal type underwear underneath my pants. That day I was really bundled up a little too much as I found out later on. The weather on both ski days that we were there got up to the 50 and high 50s. So, we headed out to hit the slopes. The resort was a mob scene packed with people for the holidays that had the same idea we had to go some place nice for Thanksgiving. Finding a place to park was difficult at best. We had to park on the hill heading up to the ski lifts and take a shuttle to the lodge. Then, we had to wait on line for God knows how long to get our ski equipment and boots. After that, we had to find a locker to store our belongings and shoes.

I had trouble putting on my boots so Doug helped me. When I finally got them on, I realized how tight my calves really were from running all these years. It was painful within minutes of putting them on. I kept trying to lean forward and stretch out in my boots to loosen them up a little to no avail. It still hurt. Of course, Doug didn't know what I was talking about since he doesn't really run. So, I just sucked it up and kept going through out that day to ski. Doug is a way more experienced skier than I am. He explained to me to not have a lot of layers of clothes on and that anything that I tuck into my boots such as jeans could pinch my calves and cause my feet to go numb. So the best thing to have on is leggings of some kind and the ski pants which go over the boot.

We finally got out to the ski lifts which, of course, had huge lines to wait through. The first run we did was on the "bunny" or beginner slope since I hadn't skied since last year and Doug hadn't skied in 10 years. It was fun and easy for me. The problem is that it was too easy for him, so he wanted to go to the more advanced slopes. I think partly he didn't want to wait on the longest line in the park, too. So we went on an intermediate slope called Broadway. Now, I was still acclimating to the altitude, and I don't have a lot of experience with skiing. He got down the slopes with no problem. I struggled. I had to stop a few times to catch my breath in the middle of the slope. He said that I had good form and that I seemed to be enjoying myself. But the truth is that it was work. A lot of work to get down that slope. It was very steep the whole way down to the bottom.

There was another slope that we went on which was an intermediate slope, too. It was a little easier called Stumpway. It still had some really steep slopes but there is a period where you get a bit of rest before going back down. I liked going on the chair lifts to get back up. It gave me a chance to rest. We ate lunch at one of the lodge cafeterias located in the middle of the slope. I was getting tired toward the end of the day towards 4pm when they close the slopes. Doug wanted to go on one more run before we left, so he went without me. I was too tired to go again. It was very busy on the slopes tons of people skiing and snowboarding down. The lines thinned out toward the end of the day. Music was blaring from the lodge which gave me a boost and motivation to keep going.

We had to wait on a huge line to get the shuttle back to the parking lot. We carried our rented equipment back to the van. As soon as I took my boots off, I was in so much pain in my calves that I was limping on one side. We drove back to the lodge and made plans for dinner. We went walking around the village. We saw all the different decorations and big Christmas tree in the middle of the shopping area. We ended up going to a steak house type place called Whiskey Creek. I ended up going to bed early just because I was so wiped out from skiing.

The next day we took our time getting ready. I wasn't so anxious to get up there since I knew it was going to be crowded and we'd only be waiting on lines anyways. But, I only wore leggings under my snow pants this time and a ski coat with just a sweater underneath since it was going to be high 50s today on the slope. We took the shuttle back up to the slopes, and we had to carry our gear the whole way up there. We continue to ski the same couple of slopes since only a few of them were open. It didn't snow enough for them to open all the trails that they had and they had quite a few. The rest of them were black diamond slopes which means advanced slopes and I wasn't ready for that. Doug did give me a few pointers on how to use the poles as a way to help me get down the hills easier. As before, he wasn't tired at all and I had to keep stopping in the middle of the runs to catch my breath or to rest my legs from all the squatting and turning. We made it to the end of the day ski-wise. Again, Doug took an extra run without me. We left a little early to avoid the huge line for the shuttle back to the parking lot. We turned in our ski equipment, and my calves weren't as sore that day.

Tonight I decided to go out to drink and celebrate. It turns out that the club scene doesn't get started until around 10 pm. So, instead of turning in at my usual 9 pm, I had to sit around and wait for the dj to get started playing songs. I wanted to dance, so we stuck around. Doug wanted to see me dance. We started out on the town around 6:30 or so. We drank at the first watering hole and then decided to go to a Mexican restaurant for dinner. I'm not wild about Mexican food, but I stuck it out. He ordered all this stuff, but couldn't finish it. I just kept ordering beers and a side salad. I was getting pretty toasted while just talking about my plans to go to Austria.

Finally, we ended up at a club with a Hawaiian name to it. I requested a song from the dj and he actually played it as soon as he started. I was jazzed and started dancing right away. I paced my drinks between 8:30 and 10 so that I wouldn't be drunk and too tired to stay. The DJ was excellent. He played all kinds of top 40 and hip/hop. It was songs that lots of people knew so everyone started getting on the dance floor. Doug had a hard time keeping up with me now. I told him that I had quite a many years of dancing practice. I could still feel the altitude affecting me and making it hard to keep going. After about 11, we decided to head back to the lodge. That's when we got pulled over. I couldn't believe it. I knew that I couldn't drive, because I had drank way too much. But, I didn't know about Doug and how toasted he was. He was given a dui test by the police and the whole works. They asked him tons of questions. I was nervous as hell wondering what I was going to do if he got arrested. It turns out that he didn't get arrested, and we got to go back to the lodge.

I think part of the reason the cops let him go was because he was so cooperative and 50 something with no criminal record. I was quite shaken up over the ordeal. We shared a pita loaded with vegetables and went to bed. We didn't get up until 9:30 am.

2011-11-21T14:36:00.000-08:00

I did it again. I blew off another client. What happened was that I told him that I'm not feeling well. It's not a lie. I am going through a terrible depression and can't wait until I snap out of it. Actually, I can't wait until my pills come in the mail, because that will help to stabilize me so that I don't have these serious mood swings. For now, I'm going to clean the house because another client decided he wasn't going to come by either. I didn't blow him off, he just never showed. I need the money really bad and need to connect with work and other people. I really can't afford to do this. I basically laid in bed until about 2 even though I had some good coffee that woke me up this morning.

Thank God I have somebody like Doug in my corner. We met on match.com. We've been dating on and off since the beginning of October. We are taking it to the next level by going to Mammoth together which is a trip I originally planned alone. My head is not straight though, and I can't deal with the idea of getting stuck on the road without chains to go up to Mammoth and having to turn back if I can't get up there. I only have a Honda civic, and he has an all wheel drive. He knows about the chain thing and how to do it. I'm not really in love with him, but he's a great friend. We are fooling around together, and I stayed at his house last night. I just don't know where it's going to go. If there is a chance that I could fall in love again, I want to take that chance.

Done With HX

2011-11-10T17:27:00.001-08:00

So, since I've been advertising on this new site, I haven't gotten the business that I hope that I would. It seems that all the men who are on this site all want unprotected oral sex which I do not provide. I so mad, because I'm losing out on a lot of money that could be made if but for that. These stupid cunts that are on this site are obviously engaging in this act. I blame them just as much as the men. And I hope to God that there is an std outbreak in that community whether is be herpes, aids or hepatitis. It would serve them right. I have an std, and I always use condoms for everything. Everything is just so unfair, but I'm not going to keep wasting money on a site that doesn't pay off. There is no justice!

Daylight Savings Time Sucks!

2011-11-07T18:29:00.001-08:00

I don't like when most of the day is spent in the dark. It gets me depressed. I'm glad I was able to spend some of today riding my bike to Riverside and back on the Santa Ana River trail. It is about a 50 mile bike ride. Amazingly, the sides of my legs (my it bands) didn't really hurt all that much compared to the Santiago Canyon ride I took last week. I think it's mostly the hills. This course is mostly flat except for the hills you have to go through going underneath the bridges. I've done this course before, but wasn't sure how tired I'd be after going through it. It took me about 3 hours and some change. As you are going the wind is riding with you, but when you come back the wind is against you.

Anyways, on my way back around 4:30, it started getting dark already. So, I felt like I was racing the clock to get home before dark. I did start a little late. I know 1 pm in the afternoon is not the best time to start a ride. Now, I'm back at the coffee shop waiting for business. A couple of calls came in during the day of course, but I was out riding. I have a hard time getting up in the morning. Now that we have limited amount of day time, I want to enjoy as much of it as possible. So, I'm going to try to get up at 6 or 7am.

The New Spanish Course

2011-11-03T23:23:00.000-07:00

I have a new plan to get going in the mornings. One is to have coffee on standy-by which I guess I could get at starbucks. Keeping my clothes next to me, so that all I have to do is put them on. Anything where I just have to roll out of bed and do as little as possible. So, I'll wait for the calls to come in around 10 until 2 and then I'll do my work out of biking and swimming. Let's hope this works and that I get some business.

On that note, I started studying this new Spanish course that I'm taking. I took the plunge and went out to buy a software program like Rosetta Stone only it's cheaper. It's called Living Language platinum edition. It was only $179 which is still expensive. But, I think I can learn Spanish this way, so I'm giving it a go. So far, I got through two chapters. What I've also decided to do is immerse myself a little by playing spanish stations on the radio and maybe watch some Spanish tv stations. It would help to be able to converse with people in Spanish, but I have to build up my vocabulary first.

Meet Up, Meet Up

2011-11-02T18:41:00.000-07:00

Another day of getting up super late. I'm thinking maybe it's the hard physical activity that may be causing it and maybe I should take a break from working out so much. But, I don't want to. I'm not really training for a triathlon, but I still continue to run, bike and swim. I was always under the impression that to keep current or good at any sport, you need to do it at least three times a week. Therefore, I try to bike three times a week, swim three times a week and run three times a week though I usually do four. Actually, I need to ask someone who knows about triathlons about this and if that's how they train. At my fitness club, we have a guy who trains members for triathlons. Maybe I could ask him. Screw it, after I get off here, I'll ask someone in one of those meet-up groups. I've been using my foot brace at night to deal with my plantar fasciitis. It helps a bit, and then I go running and it hurts more. I don't want to have to stop running though.

I've put some ads up this evening. Hopefully, someone will call off of them. I've thought about getting back into painting to have something to do while I wait around. The only thing that bothers me with painting is finding space to do it. I really prefer to have a studio. It's not real bright in my apartment, so I don't know where I could do it. I don't want to go to a coffee shop, because there isn't enough room. I think what I need to do first is sketch out a couple of ideas, and then put them on canvas. I remember when I was living in Sedona, I lived in a community that had a club house. So I could go into the club house and paint on one of their tables. I guess I could do that at my house and just clear everything off my table. Maybe I could find a meet up group for that, too.

To Pay Or Not To Pay For Austria Trip

2011-11-01T15:22:00.000-07:00

I want to plan a trip to Austria, but I still have a few things on my mind that are holding me back from actually booking it. First, I need to figure out what medications to be on regarding the herpes I contracted last March. I'm still in shock about it as in I can't believe this happened to me. I'm the safest person in the world sexually. I always insist on condoms. Unfortunately, my doctor said that condoms don't protect against everything. Herpes can be anywhere in the genital region. If you come in contact with a region that is uncovered, you can still get it. So here I am with a disease that I can't get rid of. In addition to having to take medications for being bipolar, now I'll have to take medication for herpes, too. However, I have to get on the right medication. One medication that I am is supposed to work when you are getting an outbreak. Unfortunately, if you are constantly getting outbreaks, they put you on a suppressant medication like Valtrex. So that's what I think I need to be on. I don't want to travel anywhere, have an outbreak and not have the proper medication.

Another concern is that my rent just went up, and I just paid it. My situation in the business that I'm in so far has varied from month to month. Sometimes, I have a great month. Other times, it seems like I cannot get a call to save my life. I have been limiting my advertising to certain sites, but unfortunately, they do not keep me busy enough. So, I've started advertising again on this major website that is very well-known and prominent in the Orange County area. My reputation and ability to make money on this site has not been established. So I don't want to just go blowing lots of money on a vacation. Once I can get enough business from this website, or from my other websites, to make me comfortable, I'll be able to spend more freely.

This particular aforementioned website that I started to advertise on is a tricky one though. It is mainly an escort website. A lot of the men on this website are always asking for sexual services that are not safe to do such as oral without a condom on either me or them. I'm not sure whether actually anyone is willing to make an appointment with me being that I'm a safety girl and refuse to do anything that could further jeopardize my already diseased body. The men that insist on oral without a condom, of course, claim that the risk of getting HIV is very low. I don't care. Any risk for me is too much risk. They still haven't found a cure for that virus just like they haven't found a cure for herpes which is another disease you can get from having unprotected oral sex. So, it may turn out that I may not get much business off this site. We will have to see. It could be that I need to change my business model to include a massage which I am formally trained in with my escort services. I don't know.

Biking the Santiago Canyon Loop

2011-10-31T15:08:00.000-07:00

Yesterday, Mischief Day, I woke up around 1 pm in the afternoon, and I figured that I'd just sleep the rest of the day and get up early tomorrow. So that's what I did. Now, I'm still tired. I can't figure that one out. I went on a 2 and a half hour bike ride through Santiago Canyon. It was difficult toward the last few hills as my IT band started to really feel it. I thought I would be ok which I was, but I was aching more than I thought I would be after training for 1 1/2 hours at a time twice every week for awhile now. What's weird is that I had some anxiety about what I was going to feel like after climbing so many hills. My stomach was acting up a little too which didn't help anything. I know I stretched before heading out, but it didn't seem to help much.

The Santiago Canyon loop I did starts at Hicks Canyon Park then goes to Jamboree up to Santiago Canyon road. It is mostly hilly until you get to this biker bar on the corner where the road turns off, then it's mostly downhill until you get back to Irvine Boulevard where it levels off. It is a 32 mile ride. I'm glad that I went out today instead of Sunday. There wasn't so many damn people on the road like there would have been if I had gone out on Sunday. It wasn't as hot today either like it was yesterday.

I came back and cleaned the house while the cats played outside. I left some candy treats out for the trick or treaters when they come by. I'm at work, so I can't be home when they get to the door unless it's later on. I'm hoping I get some business today, because I need it even though I feel really tired.

Sitting Indian Style

2011-10-28T17:19:00.000-07:00

I'm enjoying a cup of pumpkin spiced latte at my favorite Starbucks while sitting Indian style in my chair. I come here, because it's like my office. I feel more comfortable having a place to come to when I'm working. It's just easier. I get dressed up like I'm going to the office. I get here, plug my computer again and post advertisements online. I catch up on facebook, blogger, a regional escort site, lonely planet, and e-news. I answer the phone and book appointments. I, also, answer e-mails to book appointments online. It works out pretty good except when it is slow. Then, I get bored and play solitaire or some other card game or call my friends and family.

The characters that come to this coffee shop are interesting indeed. We get a lot of homeless and street people, retirees, bikers, punk rockers, guys and gals with tattoos all over, students, families, and business people. They all come for their lattes, mochas and whatever have you. Some of them hang out with me at a large table where you can plug your computer in and work/study or just have fun. They always have some type of music playing in the background. Some days it's 80s music, 60s music, ska and reggae, smooth jazz or the latest cd that just came out like the Beatles' new cd of top hits.

Today, I went biking along the Santa Ana river trail heading inland. The wind is at my back when I start at mile 3 by Adams Street. I went all the way past the golf course toward Angels Stadium. I turned around at the 13th mile marker and went back. The wind blows toward me on the way back making the ride harder to put away the miles, but it just gives me a more intense work out. Then, I have to go on to the street to get back to my apartment. It's about 2 or 2.5 miles to get back from Adams to my apartment. One thing that I can't stand about this area is that it is so congested and busy with cars. I guess everywhere in Orange county is except at the way south and maybe further inland. A lot of times, I don't feel safe riding next to the cars. The other day, I saw an accident happen on my way riding to the beach. I didn't see what caused it, but I heard the big bang. Luckily, there are so many bike riders out here that the cars are conscious of them. I think there is more of a mutual respect for bike riders out here that there isn't in other parts of the country. Still, every now and then, you hear about someone having an accident or, worse yet, being killed.

Worrying Too Much?

2011-10-19T12:25:00.001-07:00

I've been diagnosed with bipolar disorder. I've had it most of my adult life and haven't recognized it as such. I'm still trying to figure out which medicines work best for me. Lately, I'm having trouble with worry and anxiety. I don't know what has brought it on. A lot of times, I feel like the whole world is on my shoulders. I feel like I have so much responsibility. It can be overwhelming. Making a living, trying to find a mate, a rigorous work out routine, my own business, my age, my busted achilles tendon. I lose confidence in my ability to complete tasks and to work out. Things that I love to do all of the sudden worry me. Whether I can finish them or not or do them period. I wish I had someone to talk to. I've been having so much creative block, too since I've been on medication. All those inspirations and drive and passion - gone. It seems I wonder if I'll ever find anything to write about and be passionate about it. Maybe I'll just become one of those boring writers that talks about economics or technology. A technical writer, lol. I can bore everyone except the most limited number of techy geeks and aloof professors.

Most days, I sit around a lot and wait for calls to come in. When I'm not busy on a massage call, I try to fill my time with most anything. Shopping, running errands, talking on the phone to someone I met in my bipolar support group, chatting on the computer, blogging about something, trying to find a man on match.com, etc. The last couple of weeks, I've been reading lonely planet books on Ireland, Austria and Greece. I've been writing down where I want to go in these countries, when to go and what to do when I get there. I've also been boning up on my geography of different countries around the world and where they are located. The book is a "color-it-in" type book. It's sort of like those anatomy and physiology color books where coloring is the way you study the parts of the body and bodily functions. I'm amazed at how many countries are in Africa. Africa is the continent that I get the most confused about as far as the location of it's countries is concerned.

I look forward to going to sleep. That's when I know the day is over, and I don't have anymore responsibility. I'm surprised that I don't worry about my ability to sleep. I've never ever questioned my ability to do things, learn things or accomplish things. Never ever the whole time I was just on anti-depressants did I ever question my abilities. I was even cocky about how much better I was than everyone else. Now, I'm full of self-doubt. I hate it. I need to get back to me. Back to the person who knows she can do anything that she sets her mind to.

Back when I was only on anti-depressants, I would cycle faster mood-wise. I would get more manias and then get tired and depressed later on in the day or that week. When I was manic, I felt like I could conquer the world. Of course, it would never last, but I didn't care. It's true that I would start things and never finish them. It was true that I didn't accomplish much, but it didn't seem to bother me. Now, it bothers me, and it nags at me beckoning me to continue to finish whatever I'm on. It calls me to get done whatever I need to get done. Is this what it's like to be like everyone else out there? Just a series of tasks to be completed and to feel anxious if it isn't finished. Do normal people worry about their ability to do something?

Hopeless

2011-04-13T00:18:00.000-07:00

Well, I'm up again and having a hard time with sleep because of these pills that make me nauseous. I just want to sleep. I'm thinking of telling my doctor to take me off the lamictal and just keep me on the abilify and zoloft. All I want to know is why it took so long for me to get any help with medication. Why was I allowed to live some 39 years with bipolar untreated. Why has everything turned out the way it did? I feel so unsuccessful at life. So many times, I feel like I haven't done enough. I make these men happy, but I can't seem to be happy myself. to be satisfied. The stigma kills me sometimes. The uncertainty that maybe I am living the wrong way. What will happend to me? Will I pay any more consequences? Are these consequences a form of punishment? When will I be able to successfully change careers?

I think of all those times that I try to have regular jobs. How I tried so hard to be a part of everything. So many jobs that I would only be fired after 3 weeks. Right after I hadn't gotten into the swing of things. Why? I think of many people who have bipolar that are still able to have jobs even with their disease being active. Why was I denied that chance? Why did I quit so many things feeling that the same thing would happen, the same rejection would happen, if I hadn't? I feel so rejected by society with noone to let me in or give me my space or my place in it. Still I refuse to give up and have the play the hand that I was dealt no matter how hopeless it seems. I've never fit in. I wonder what fitting in even feels like. What's it like to click with other human beings and travel through life together? I haven't a clue. Seems that all other people have tried to do is ruin me and deny me everything. Because I'm bipolar, I can't be part of this or that. People know that I wasn't right, because of it but never offered me any help. In fact, the first therapist I went to I had to seek out.

Tired of life

2011-04-04T16:34:00.001-07:00

I may have a herpes infection. I feel like I have nothing to look forward to today. Everything seems like a chore. Doing the laundry, cleaning the fucking house, noone to talk to, feeding the cats and cleaning out their litter box, massaging this one and that one. work, work, work. even working out seems like work anymore. it's just exhausting at this point. I'm so bored. I don't know what to do with my life. I have no motivation. I'm afraid to take on too much, but I have to do something with my life. Maybe working at a spa somewhere. i can't sit around bored, trying to post ads on craigslist that won't go through.

Insomnia and Boredom

2011-01-23T22:17:00.000-08:00

Lately, I've been irritable. I can't sleep right now, so I'm up here composing this blog. It seems that lately I've been pretty flat. Bunch of must-dos and not wanting to do anything. There are things that I could do to get rid of my boredom, but I can't seem to get the motivation to do them. I'm restless. Excess energy and no where to put it. I've been moody all day. Wanting to be around people and then wanting them to get the hell out of my way while I'm running. Sometimes it doesn't make sense. People really do bother me and a lot of times I feel like I don't know why I was put here. And a lot of times, I find myself angry at others. Right now, I'm angry at Mark for not calling me. I'm angry about men coming in and out of my life. I don't want to be close to them. I get to where I just want to do my job and go home. I feel used. Yeah, they are paying me, but I never see them again. They never call me back. In a regular business, they would. I'm wondering when I'm going to run out of people who only want to see me once. I want to punch them out for not thinking of me enough. Then, I can't stand people like Mark who just want to get close to me, because nobody else wants to hear them whine about their stupid problems. I'm so sick of people, but, unfortunately, I need their money and I need a job. I wish I was wealthy or would win the lottery so that I wouldn't have to deal with anyone. I can travel as much as I wanted to and really enjoy life. I could go to nice clubs, dress the way I wanted to and only deal with people when I felt like it on my own terms instead of people dependent on their stupid asses.

'Tis the Season To Be Negative

2010-12-27T15:57:00.000-08:00

Happy Happy Joy Joy Bullshit. No more, I'm so tired of not being able to express how I feel and have nobody to listen to it. I like to bitch so where does one go? Where does one go to express themselves when they are unhappy? At least, a place where people will actually see you post. I hate being fake so I'm not. I think this world sucks and I want you to know. And I'm not the only one who feels this way. I like being the one to destroy anyone who has any level of success unless it's happening to me. And it's fun to watch others get hurt, fail at something or screw something up just to have the chance to laugh at them. I like movies where the bad character wins. I like watching the bad characters do mean things to the good guys. I like seeing bad things happen to other people, because they always seem to happen to me.

I think the world sucks,, because I'm not a millionaire, because I'M not the cover of every magazine, because nobody prints or cares about what I say, because I'm not on the red carpet, because I'm not the politician with loads of power. Why should only a select 1% of people enjoy this lifestyle and not me. I want the paparazzi following ME everywhere I go. I want to live in a 10 million dollar mansion and turn it into a big bar with graffitti all over the walls inviting every punk rocker, skinhead, rockabilly and assorted scum of the week over to party up and get high. I want bums to come by and crash on my front door step. I want to be blasting the most offensive heavy metal, gangster rap and punk rock out of my speakers. Pissing off the neighbors with no consequences, because I'm too rich and can buy my way out of anything. I want to have my own porsche. I want to be able to pull up to the valet of a well-known restaurant and tell everyone to fuck off while dressed in bleached up jeans with holes in them paired with steel-toed gripfast boots, a shirt that says fuck off and die and purple hair fashioned into a mohawk. I want you to see in me in my porsche picking my nose with the other nostril having a big piercing in it. I want to go to the crappiest areas of the cities of the United States of fucking American't and take pictures of all the poverty, filth and disease. And make a video of it for the whole world to see that the USA is not without it problems. I want to take pictures and video of the guys selling crack and the women prostituting themselves. I want to take pictures of all the losers using drugs and post them on facebook. I want to take video of all the bums sparing for change on the corner of just about every city in the good ol' USA. Then more video of all the people on the unemployment line. Then I'll go to tons of different hospitals and have video with all the people waiting to die or the people struck with cancer, heart conditions, etc.

And why do I want to do all this? Cause you stupid motherfuckers who are all about happy, happy, joy, joy and get a nice smack in the face and a wake up call.

Uninspired

2010-09-26T21:27:00.000-07:00

Once again here I sit uninspired. I'm not real motivated to get up and sing over my webcam. I have a bit of a headache. I was supposed to work today, but nothing came in. I tried to put an ad on CL but they kept rejecting it. I'll guess i'll try again tomorrow. I have a creative block all the sudden. I have all the time in the world to draw, sing, paint whatever and I hardly do it. Can't figure out why? I guess I'll just keep reading this joy of living book. I have all these things I want to do, but I can't seem to prioritize them or organize them.

Why do I feel like I'm supposed to feel inspired to right something or sing something like I was with drunk in rio and now all of the sudden, I have nothing I want to sing? Nothing I want to draw. I think I'll just meditate and find some answers.

9/22/10

2010-09-22T23:14:00.000-07:00

So, I had school today with a substitute, because my regular teacher wasn't in. She had a decade in the field of massage therapy. She had opened a spa and advised me that if I didn't have enough clients to not even bother just opening up one myself. This class is turning out to be a lot more manageable so far than the last one. I'm starting to like it. We are getting into real therapeutic work partly with techniques on how to handle certain ailments to how to assess someone. I actually met a lady in class that I can actually talk to and relate to that isn't self-obsessed. She's a dental hygienist who seems to really care about people. She gave me a much needed massage. Also, I was to work on her with some of the new techniques that I've learned that involves active range of motion.

It was hard to wake up today even with several cups of coffee. Thought about another guy who had broken my heart and the girl he ended up with. Hopefully tomorrow will be better. Off to meditate.

September Gloom

2010-09-21T16:49:00.000-07:00

I was really tired today when I got on my bike to ride to the coffee shop where I go to wake up. It was overcast but I kind of like that. I get sick and tired of the strong sun beating down on me. Of course, people out here in So Cal complain and all I can say is don't ever move to New Jersey where I grew up. I like the gloomy weather, because it means that the running trails won't be crowded either. I notice that less people go out when it's gloomy.

Anyways, it's really hard for me to get going, because I started my monthly yesterday. Typically, I'm always tired and unmotivated. Like yesterday, when it started. I had to do chair massages from 9:15 until noon yesterday. Talk about a lesson in endurance. It was a volunteer operation for domestic violence. We didn't get paid shit. On top of that, not one of those ladies tipped me. They were sure there quick enough to get their free massage though. Amazing isn't it?

Let me mention that all of them or most of them had nice clothes on. They were dressed up for the event, and as I massaged them, I noticed all the rocks on their fingers and the nice manicures. A lot of them had extravagant jewelry on and nice suits. Real victims, eh? Nothing worse then rich and cheap. I suppose they got hit by their husbands after they got another $2,000 ring they didn't like. Shit, I'd feel like I had a right to hit them, too. Either that or their husbands insisted they tip the server at a restaurant, and they didn't want to.

After we were done, the one young guy we had with us got tipped the most. It figures. Don't get me wrong, no one deserves to get hit in a relationship or abused. But, I notice in a lot of these cases, there is two sides the story. From my own experience, I seen a lot of people do mean things that they would deserve to get punched for. But these days, I just walk away. Some people really know how to get under your skin and sometimes that someone is your spouse. I've only encountered a few "burning bed" type situations where the lady was truly a victim of a really abusive spouse. But half the time, they are beating the shit out of each other and the wives are just as abusive as their husbands. If they aren't physically abusive, then definately verbally and emotionally.

Journal - 8/29/10

2010-08-29T21:54:00.000-07:00

Well, I'm about to turn 40, and it scares me. I'm not well-known. I don't have a lot of money. I don't feel like I've accomplished enough. I'm bipolar and now on medication. I don't know if it will help me accomplish more, be better, be better know or have more money. I have no confidence in my ability to make money or be productive other than using my body to make money with as a stripper or in the sex business. It was cool at first to be rebelling against the system, but now I feel dejected. I long to be part of something, to feel special, to feel human again. I feel so alone even though I can get money quick. I'm scared about getting in trouble. I get paranoid. Can't help it.

Battling Depression - Awkward Sleep Patterns

2010-01-14T01:53:00.000-08:00

I've switched my medication to Zoloft from Celexa for depression, because celexa was making me way too anxious. Since being on the Zoloft, I've been tired an awful lot and sleeping a lot of hours. I have energy, but for too brief a time. It doesn't last long enough to do the things I need to do that normally I'd probably be looking forward to. I don't seem to enjoy doing the same things that I used to get a lot of enjoyment out of. I need to go to my doctor, but it's hard to get the energy to even do that. But, I definately need to do it. I just wish that I didn't feel like garbage all the time.

I try like crazy to keep a regular sleep schedule - up during the day and sleep at night, but it doesn't ever seem to work out. I always end up sleeping in too late. I know that everyone is tired in the morning, but I don't think they are nearly as tired as I am. They can still get up and not feel like sleeping another 4 hours after they already got 7 hours of sleep. I'm so tired of being sick and tired.

The worst of it is when people get on your case over it like my family and clients sometimes. They claim that I purposely blow them off and that I don't care about them, because I don't always show up to things, call them or interact with them enough. I'm fucking depressed! That's what happens. I don't do it on purpose. It's very typical of depressed people to isolate and not show up or keep appointments, because they are too tired even if they have the best intentions of being there. The depression takes over and even if I do show up, I won't be miss personality even if I do.

Day Before Easter 2009

2009-04-12T02:36:00.000-07:00

Well, it's the day before Easter. My best friend talked about me going to church. I'm not so into church. I've never really gotten much out of it. I tend to understand the eastern philosophies much better. It teaches me more to just sit with myself and let things be. I ended hiking up Squaw Peak to the top today. It was raining out at first. Then there was some thunder, but I didn't see any lightning so I pressed on. The rocks tend to become really slick from the rain. It was easier for me to go up then to come down. Coming down, you need to take big steps to get down over the boulder and rocks. It's all natural cut trail except a few parts where they made steps out of the rocks. Some of the steps down are pretty steep. It reminded me of when I went hiking in the Grand Canyon. There was as much mule shit though. Lots of people were on the trail today from all over the world it seemed even though it was raining. When I got to the top it mysteriously stopped. I sat there for about twenty minutes just to be still. Some anxiety came over me and then went away as I looked out over the hills and other mountains in the area. On another side was the city of Phoenix. It really isn't all that big a city all things considered. It started to rain more so I headed back down. I remember seeing a black hawk flying below the peak. It is really only 1.2 mile hike up, but takes about 40 minutes because of the steepness of it.

Afterwards, I ended up eating in a Chinese buffet style restaurant. I remember my friend, Richard, saying that those are the type of places where you get the runs as soon as you hit the parking lot. OK, it wasn't that bad, but the crab legs were overcooked and the mongolian BBQ wasn't done all that well. It filled my belly. Hopefully, I don't get the shits tomorrow. I doubt it. I miss being able to visit my family on Easter. Being out here in Phoenix makes me a million miles away from everyone. My Dad and my Mom's family are back in Jersey. My Mom is in Northern Cali. The closest relative I have is my sister and we aren't on speaking terms. She's in Orange County, Ca which I hate anyways. My friend, Wilson, is having dinner with a few friends of his from work, and he's going to see if he can invite me along. Worse comes to worse, I'll spend the day here with my kitties who I adore so much.

April 10 - Good Friday - New Attitude toward Anxiety

2009-04-11T01:43:00.000-07:00

I'm reading this book that my therapist told me to read called "Don't Panic." I've read the first 200 pages. It came to the conclusion after talking about all these women that have panic symptoms that you need to face your fear. I had suspected that this was going to be the answer all along. How else would you get over it? So starting tomorrow, I will be going on a hike at Squaw Peak probably in the rain and I will take my bike with me so I can go riding around there. It will be rainy, but I'll deal with it. After all, I love the outdoors. I will be cool so I'll bring a jacket and an umbrella. I suspect that the uncomfortable feelings are not permanent, but we are a "feel good" society that focuses on being happy way too much.

The book goes on to say that you are supposed to sit where you feel uncomfortable for like 45 minutes for your brain-body to get used to the new situation. I want to be able to focus on my art more and get serious about continuing that. I'm still learning the flash program. There are so many times where I get impatient and I just want to get it done now, so that I can get on the bigger project of creating and marketing. I guess it's one step at a time and learning patience which doesn't come easy to me.

Saw My Therapist Today

2009-04-09T01:12:00.000-07:00

I´m going to a therapist right now to deal with some of the anxiety that I´ve been feeling. I told her that my first love is art and music. Therefore, it´s difficult to hold a job like being a psychologist or a lawyer where it takes all your time and dedication, and that´s why I chose the sex business. She told me that she felt sorry that I had to make a living that way. What?!?!? First as a stripper, now as an escort. (Why would I want to pay $50+ to dance in someone´s club?) SOmetimes I'm ok with working in the business and other times, I get anxious. I think oh my God what will my family think (even though I've told them) or other people think. Sometimes I get the feeling like I can't believe I'm doing this, but I've had those feelings at regular jobs. I've had regular jobs like legal secretary, fast food, waitress, temp clerk jobs, filing jobs, receptionist, factories, construction - they've all sucked.

She says that she isn´t judging me, but I feel judged. I told her that my job is no different than any other job where you provide a service. She labeled that as disassociating to deal with what i have to do. That I have to stuff my emotions to do what I´m doing or not have emotions. I told her that I´ve had to do that on plenty of 9 to 5 jobs. Do you know how many regular jobs I´ve had where I couldn´t express myself at all? Where I had to wear a fake smile the whole time or be cordial when someone was being absolutely rude? The sex business has actually been one place where I could feel or express myself through dancing, massage, etc. I don´t get what she´s talking about. Am I in denial about something?

What about gynecologists, surgeons, nurses and internists when they have handle people´s bodies and privates? Do they get traumatized too or is it just us who are “traumatizing“ ourselves. Then she said something about it damaging my soul. I don´t know. I felt like I was dying inside when I was working as a legal secretary and going to law school. There are so many unanswered questions that I have. I feel like if I´m providing a legitimate service to men who need it, that I´m doing something good. A lot of these men are just lonely and need someone to talk to. Some of them just need the human connection and human touch. What´s wrong with that?

Anyways, I was told to read a book called "Don't Panic", so I'll see how it goes. I'm also waiting to see how the medication goes. Hopefully, well.

April 8, 2009 -

2009-04-08T00:10:00.000-07:00

Today I woke up really late again. Just tired I guess. I was supposed to go to a Spanish class, but I blew it off. The teacher isn't really that good and I got a note from her telling me she was dropping me from the class. I could have come up with some excuses, because I do have an illness, but why bother. I know it's a waste of money, but I just don't give a fuck anymore. I'm so burned out on everything. I also needed to go get a bikini wax which I also blew off. I don't know why but I really needed sleep today. I think that I didn't want to take a pain killer (for the waxing) after taking three medications for my illness. This new drug that my Pdoc has me on is supposed to get rid of my anxiety, and I think it may be starting to work. It's called buspar. I'm already on celexa which is an antidepressant and lithium for a sleep aid and possible mania although I really don't think I get that hyper. Either way, I'm on three different medications. And I'm somebody who doesn't like to take any. The whole time that I've been in treatment, I've only had to take an antidepressant. Most of them would only work for a short period of time and some of them like zoloft would just make me drowsy or tired all the time. The effexor started to make me feel like I was in a fog and the Paxil did as well. So I've been on this med experiment and she(my psychiatrist) and I are trying to figure out the right combination of drugs to take.

I'll know for sure the buspar is working when I stop worrying about having panic attacks. There is nothing to be scared of really. I just do what I'm going to do anyways and take the panic along for the ride. Other than the physical ailments that can happen like nausea or diarrhea when I panic, I don't have much to worry about. Most of the time, the feelings last less than an hour. They pass eventually. It just sucks while it's there. I'm going to therapy tomorrow to see how that works out. This therapist specializes in depression and anxiety. My cat has been sitting in my lap. I love her to death and my boy kitty. I'd go to the ends of the earth for them

I'm going to therapy tomorrow to see how that works out. This therapist specializes in depression and anxiety. My cat has been sitting in my lap. I love her to death and my boy kitty. I'd go to the ends of the earth for them. I had to run today with a pain in my leg. I think that I pulled a muscle. I don't quite know what happened. It may have been from the yoga that I'm doing. I hope it goes away soon. I want to be able to run at my normal speed.

April 2, 2009 - A Day of Much Needed Rest

2009-04-03T00:22:00.000-07:00

I ended up sleeping until about 2:30pm, because I'm depressed. I don't know what prompted this exactly, but I've been struggling with anxiety and depression for the past couple of months. I feel awful about my life at this point. I feel like I'm nowhere. My left leg is hurting from a pulled muscle, so I haven't been able to run like I usually do.

My psychiatrist isn't sure if I have bipolar or atypical depression. I don't know either. I know that I've started a lot of things that I haven't been able to finish. I feel awful about that, but I'm really just trying to find myself. It's an inner struggle that seems to have no end. I've started a lot of career paths such as trucking, graphic design, real estate, massage therapy, military, office work, law degrees - none of which have worked out. Career-wise, I've been struggling against what I'm doing for a living which is a sex worker and massage lady. I've been told it's bad and virtually all of society comes down on me for it, so I try to find another line of work, but nothing seems to work out. I've been on with this struggle from the time I was 18 and started stripping in the local clubs until now.

When honestly I've tried to hold regular 9 to 5 jobs, but they haven't worked out. A lot of times, I was horribly mistreated on them, too. Some of the times people who worked in these places treated me like I belong in a strip club. I know that I'm no good at working for others. I'm best at working at some form of artwork or music. I had ideas of becoming the next big rockstar, but that hasn't worked out. I wish I wasn't so lost in my life.

PUTTING A FACE ON THE SEX WORKER

2008-07-22T14:31:00.001-07:00

In American society today, escorts, strippers and sex workers are stigmatized and marginalised often by the very people who use our services. Last week, a girl had a call at a hotel. The guy who called her out wanted her to walk behind him and pretend not to know him. He could have pretended to know her as a friend from college or an ex-girlfriend or just a colleague from work. Instead, he chose to pretend not to know her in shame of who he knew she was and what he knew he was doing even though nobody in the hotel knew why she was there. I'm amazed at how many men are ashamed to be seen in public with them and how many refuse to date them and yet continue to use their services.
To this end, I also blame the men who don't use their services. Why? Because they choose to look the other way when they know there are plenty of women in this situation out there. I mean when was the last time one of these non customer men offered them a job or tried to help them out since they claim you are such a victim. They hate the fact that women are prostituted or have to resort to prostitution to make a living, but do they do anything to help these women. No. Then they have the audacity to not want to date them when they find out about our checkered past.
How much of our society is built on the backs of these women? These women pay rent/mortgage, buy food, get their hair done, buy cars, buy clothes and use utilities. What would happen if they all quit their jobs tomorrow? What would happen to the economy if they quit working? The answer is I don't know. But, I do know that a country like Thailand, other Asian countries and several Latin American countries are built on the backs of women in the sex trade. Nameless, faceless women that nobody cares about. Yet, we see these tall buildings, these powerful successful companies, these men in high finance and shiny cars. Noone ever stops to think that behind all that is a nameless, faceless prostitute in a ghetto somewhere.
I look at the pyraminds in Egypt. Do I think that this is a wonderful world wonder? No, because I know that it was built on the backs of slave labour. I know that so many nameless, faceless men and possibly women, died working themselves to death or from exhaustion while a bunch of rich assholes got the credit for building the pyramids for Ra, the sun god. I wonder if any god would appreciate anyone making slaves out of people in his own name. I doubt it.
Then, you fast forward to America and the slave trade. How many men and women out there are still profiting from the slavery on the plantations in the south. Well, I have been to the south and actually lived there. And I can tell you that there are plenty. Where are the slaves? Their progeny live in today's ghettos still getting shafted into a life of selling drugs or being lucky enough to make it as a rap star like Nas or Ice-T who, at least, exposed them and the madness for what it is.
So we get women in America forced into the sex trade and we get the willing women who enjoy what they do. But, they all seem to share the common stigma and marginalization by a society that secretly continues to use their services and, at the same time, condemns the women for being there. Nobody ever thinks to blame the men. Only in Sweden have I seen a law that actually punishes the men for buying and puts the blame where it belongs. A patriarchal society that we live in where men's needs are a priority comes before anyone else's needs or even dignity. I notice that we have no services catering to womens' sexual needs. To say that there is equality because we let women into strip clubs and have porno with cunnilingus being shown is a pathetic attempt at equality. Notice there are no strip clubs with all male dancers, and porn is still mostly dictated by men. Women are never consulted about their sexual desires or fantasies. Men just assume what they think women want and make flicks based on that alone.
So I don't know the names of these women in China, Thailand, Brazil, Mexico, Cambodia, Eastern Europe or the US whom the economy is built on, but I'm giving them the credit. And I'd like to put a face on them. Everytime there is a documentary on HBO or cable, I get ecstatic thinking finally someone will know who these people are. It isn't just some anonymous person that doesn't live here or something that goes on somewhere else. They are ever present in our communities and it puts the shame where it belongs on the very societies that create them.

Why I Hate Office Workers, CSRs and Receptionists. Part II

2008-06-21T15:42:00.000-07:00

Alright, so now we've dealt with the 1800 drama. Now, let's take a look at when we make a trip to the office. This gets good. When you go to an office and deal with the receptionist or administrative assistants, you deal with another kind of asshole. This person is argumentative and always has to be right. After all, they work in a comfy office with some jerk in charge that doesn't want to deal with anyone in the first place. That's the reason he hired her as a barrier or more like a guard dog. You bust your hump all day while this bitch sits back and woofs down donut after donut. Is it any surprise that her ass is as wide as the seat? God forbid they should have to getup and dig up a file from the drawer. If you get impatient with this lady or ladies because she misspelled your name for the tenth time, she gets overly defensive and can't understand why you're upset.

NOTE: I don't want to should chauvenist but in this wonderful world we live in most receptionists and front office workers are women and their head boss (not office manager) is usually a man, so don't accuse me of hating.

Now, keeping the anti-sexist rhetoric that I just wrote you in mind. Remember I said that most of the front office workers are female. Well, here is where it gets interesting. You are in one of the posh offices (wonder where all your money went? just look at that velour couch). If you are a male and appear single, they will be all too sweet to you especially if you are well-dressed and look like you have a wad of cash. However, if you are a busty, blonde slender female (like I am), all of the sudden, nice and sweet goes to sour and nasty quicker than you can say appointment. You get a hi, how can I help you that sounds more like 'what do you want?' If you have to fill out any paperwork, they will coldly tell you to have a seat, fill it out, bring it back when your done in the tone an economics professor uses to his students. Any ladies reading this blog, beware. You can expect the same treatment if you are thinner or prettier than the ladies behind the desk. Multiply it by two if you are single. If you are busty, multiply it times three and add a point for each cup size over D. Heavier women and plainer looking women don't have to worry as much especially if they are married and they come in with their husband. However, you will still be treated as less important than the men.

When you finally get past the guard dogs and reached the asshole in charge, the fun begins. He maybe gives you 5 minutes of his time if that and it's always a harried answer. After all, they are too important and too busy to deal with us common folk. It's almost as if you are wasting their time even if you are paying them. The less money you have, the shittier the treatment. Also if you don't have alphabet soup after your name, expect to be treated like a complete moron.

So a lot of times in order not to deal with them in person, you try the phone approach thinking it will easier especially if you don't have the time to make a trip everytime something has gone wrong. Guess what, it isn't. Most of the time you won't get them on the phone because they are on coffee break, donut break, showing pictures of their kids around the office, have an itch to scratch, you name it. You will have to leave a message and another message and another message and another message. About, after the fifth time, they will return your call usually when you are on the toilet or in an emergency away from the phone. As a result, you will have to call them back about another five times. When you finally get on the phone with them, as I said, if it isn't to make an appointment, they will most likely be too busy for you. Don't forget about how argumentative these women are so any type of conflict will most likely result in them hanging up on you.

So, I hope that reading these past two blogs will give you an idea of what is going on out there especially in the West with regards to customer service. Hopefully, you will take this information and find something useful to make of it. And if you are a customer service rep or office worker and this doesn't apply to you, my apologies, especially if you are the rare person that always puts the customer first. If you are one of the assholes that I have been talking about for the past two blogs, get bent or change if you don't like what I said. You know who you are.

Why I Can't Stand Office Workers, Customer Service Reps, Receptionists, Etc. PART I

2008-06-21T15:14:00.000-07:00

First, they never answer their fucking phone no matter how many times it rings. They let it go to voicemail if they can help it. Why? Because you're interrupting the conversations that they are having with their girlfriends. Now, I was taught when I worked as a receptionist/office worker, that you pick up the phone on the FIRST ring. And that it shouldn't ring anymore than twice. Even when we went to lunch we had to have someone cover the phones AT ALL TIMES meaning someone had to be on the phone while you went to lunch. This is the way it is done and should be done. But these assholes out here in the west in Arizona just don't get it. The customer service out here SUCKS! The customer is never right.

Whatever you do, severely limit the amount of business you do with any big corporations or the government, because they are infamous for this treatment. God forbid you have a problem and you have to call them, you will be on hold forever. Examples of companies to avoid include many credit card companies (including your debit card), utility companies, phone companies, any government office (social security, post office), some car rental companies, health clubs, some software products, etc. In fact some good advice is before you sign that contract or buy that product, before you do any business with any company, ask them how easy it is to get a hold of customer service and how long you have to wait to get a live representative on the phone. But, don't take their word for it, test it out yourself before you put your hard earned money down. If you have to wait any longer than 2 minutes each time, DO NOT do business with them. You should NEVER have to wait more than a minute to get a live representative on the phone. I don't care what anyone says or if people tell you "well, it's just the way things are now or that's a little unrealistic in today's world." It's your fucking money. You are the customer and you are busy. You have a ton of things to do and one of them does not include waiting on a 1 800 number forever. That is the way things have been done up until 8 years ago. Screw the new millenium. These assholes have to wake up and learn that it's the consumer that drives their business and makes them rich. With out us, they don't have shit. You need to remind them of that. And if everyone or even half of everyone followed the advice of this blog, those idiots will change their behavior real quick. Remember in a capitalist society, money is the biggest motivator. And when they start losing it, they will change.

Next topic has to do with what to do with what happens when you finally do get the asshole on the phone. So of course, I'm upset about having to wait so long that I complain and you can detect the attitude in my voice. Sometimes they just hang up on you or put you back into the automatic jack off system. You'd like to punch them out for wasting your time, but they aren't in front of you so you can't. And you know that if they were in front of you, they wouldn't dare treat you so badly. But on the phone, these bastards are real brave, aren't they? And they seem to get a rise out of grinding your gears. As a result, they are anything but cooperative. These people have serious power trips. If they can make your day as inconvenient as possible, they will. When it comes to solving your problem, they will use the most indirect, out of the way, longest and most inconvenient solution that they can possible come up with. Again, they have you as long as you give them your business and signed that stupid contract which you want to shoot yourself for by now. My best advice is DON'T sign it or buy it in the first place.

If they didn't hang up on you, you get a series of sorry, we don't do that here. Sometimes they can do that, but they have to transfer you to another department. In which case, you will be on hold forever again if they don't disconnect you by "accident." Not only are customer service people a pain in the ass, but they are incompetent as well. When you finally get to the second department, they will most likely:

a. put you on hold while they look for the answer (take a coffee break)

b. transfer you back over to the other department insisting the other department has the solution ensuring that you get bounced back and forth like a tennis ball.

c. actually be able to solve your problem NOTE: this happens rarely.

Immigration Ruining the Economy

2008-01-12T20:27:00.000-08:00

I previously posted about these ladies from Eastern Europe swarming into the UK and ruining the biz for the London escorts. Do the ladies in this business just have no balls (figuratively speaking of course)? Why don't these UK ladies stick together and run them out? We had problems with Brazilians and Russians girls coming into our strip clubs over in Jersey and New York ten years back. Nobody really cared until they started letting guys finger them, feel their tits, give them blowjobs, etc. All things prostitutes do, but not strippers. We never had to stoop so low. Now these stupid customers expect us to do it, because some Russian slut did. Well they tried to come to a club that me and a few other girls were working at and tried to pull they same shit. A few of them got their asses beat if they didn't follow the rules. I mean we try to talk to them nicely, but if they don't listen, you gotta take care of business. Why are so many women afraid to do this? I'm not saying that violence or black listing solves the world's problems, but the clients and agency owners aren't going to catch our backs. In the end, all we have is each other. Gotta do what you gotta do to keep your money. Why don't women understand this? If this crap happened to guys in a business, they would be organizing to get rid of the problem. That's why unions are formed and why we are closing our southern borders and cracking down on illegals. Can't understand why they wouldn't do that in the UK especially where prostitution is legal.

I can't stand immigrants that come into our country and do whatever the hell they feel like. I don't care if someone wants to come here to live, but if you want to become American than you have to speak OUR language and adopt to our ways and standards of living or get the fuck out! Why should we have to give up our standard of living, because some third world shit hole immigrant doesn't mind living in a hut or living with 20 people in a house. My family and my ancestors didn't fight all the wars we fought and build the country that we have built so that we can live like a bunch of squatters over in India. We, as Americans, like our middle class incomes, our house, our two cars and our good jobs. If an immigrant comes over here and threaten to take that away from us which should use any means necessary to prevent it. The way I see it is that they are taking food out of your kids mouths and yours. If our nation was being invaded by terrorists, we wouldn't think about fighting back. But now we have a new war to fight. An economic war. It's a war to keep our standard of living high. Us and Europe should be fighting along the same lines.

Good Clients vs. Bad Clients

2008-01-09T06:39:00.000-08:00

In business, there always seems to be those clients we prefer to deal with and those clients we'd rather just not. If you work in the service sector as a customer service rep, retail, massage, attorneys, accountants, counselors, electricians, mechanics, etc., then you know what I'm talking about. If you are fortunate enough to have your own business like I do, you can avoid dealing with some of these people. However, if you work for someone else, you almost always never have a choice. So let me illustrate the differences between the good clients vs. the bad clients.

A good client is happy to see you. A bad client is never happy, because you should have been here yesterday.

A good client talks respectfully and asks for exactly what they want so that there is no miscommunication. A bad client talks like he's from the ghetto, uses swear words a lot and demands. He never knows what he wants if he wants anything at all.

A good client comes in well dressed, confidently walks up to you with chin up and shoulders back and smells of light fragrance or none at all. A bad client comes in looking like he's been sleeping on the street, stumbles on in and wreaks of alcohol or some other illicit substance.

A good client explains what he/she wants done and then lets you explain how you work to get it done. A bad client never shuts up.

A good client always pays for services rendered. A bad client either wants to bargain with you or complains about how much he has to pay.

A good client doesn't interrupt you while you are doing said job for them to tell you what you are doing wrong or not doing. A bad client assumes you don't know what you're doing even if you've been doing it for 18 years and no matter what, it is never done right.

A good client appreciates the work you do for them and tells you how it has helped them. A bad client is never appreciative and takes you for granted.

A good client is friendly to you and knows things will come out fine. A bad client has an attitude of you owe me.

A good client is willing to pay a fair price for services rendered. A bad client wants to know how much they can get for the least amount of money and is typically cheap.

A good client and you develop a relationship with each other where he/she becomes repeat business or a friend of sorts. A bad clients just wants what they want done and doesn't care if you fall off the face of the earth when it is done.

So, this is my synopsis of the good client vs. the bad client. Those of you who deal with people on a daily basis know what I'm talking about. Hopefully, if you are ever fortunate to own your own business, you will definately be able to spot the good clients a lot faster and weed out the bad ones. If you work for someone else, you can take humor in what I've written. You can learn to appreciate those good guys and laugh at the idiots.

Christmas Day

2007-12-25T19:40:00.000-08:00

I finally got to Christmas Day. It's not been bad at all. I'm spending it with my family in California. We opened some presents and I gave some presents. I make jewelry so that is mostly what I gave as gifts. I was going to do some paintings but it's so hard to get motivated to do them sometimes. I'm not surrounded by artistic people or inspirational environments where I live in Arizona. It is home to rednecks and white trash. I can't stand them. Everyone is so negative and just wants to cut me down. They never have anything nice to say to me unless it's to complain about something. Like the other day when I was working on my painting at this coffee shop. After I was finished with one segment, the lady working there complimented it and then proceeded to tell me not to paint in their coffee shop anymore. Needless to say I won't be patronizing their lousy coffee place anymore. It's called Jerona's in Cottonwood. Don't go there ever unless you are old, fat or retired. You'll get treated like crap.

Anyways, we had a really good leg of lamb dinner that my sister cooked. I got really full and then, we sat outside around a fire pit in their backyard. It was a little too cold for me. Also, I have my period so I'm not in a good mood. I haven't been in a good mood for the past few days. I managed to ride my sister's mountain bike for 2 hours on the bike path around the area. I've been crampy all day and tired. I've been popping aleve all day as well. I could use a massage.

Dave is my sister's live in boyfriend who she is planning to marry. He works for the sheriff's department. If only he knew what I did for a living! Him and his sheriff buddies all came over for breakfast this morning around 6:30am. I wasn't really up in time. I would have loved to ask them about their views on prostitution and drugs. Basically, my views on these things are that government should stay out of people's personal lives. I believe in the pursuit of happiness and liberty, as rights that are given to us by the US constitution, includes the right to use drugs and pay for sex. I don't know why Americans have such a problem with these concepts, but it isn't a problem in just about any other civilized nation. I mean really. Who cares if other people do drugs or pay for sex? I sure as fuck don't.

I believe if the government is going to do anything, it should be for the benefit of the people. Not a government that just wants to stick people in prisons. I would be for nationalized healthcare, free education including higher education and welfare for when people lose their jobs or are unable to work. Unfortunately, our country is the only civilized nation that doesn't believe in these things. Instead, we waste millions of dollars helping poor people in other countries when we have a ton of poverty over here. Also, we get involved in other countries' problems that we have no business or right being involved in. So that how our taxes get spent, or shall I say wasted. Much of our tax dollars get wasted on the drug war and prisons to jail a bunch of low level dealers and drug addicts that are just going to get out and do it again.

Trip to Vegas

2007-12-08T01:41:00.000-08:00

Well, I've added some more links to the side of my webpage that I felt were appropriate. I drove 4 and a half hours to Vegas from my home in Northern Arizona. When I left, it was raining up a storm and the winds were blowing everywhere. I didn't even want to get out of bed, but I had to. I booked the hotel already. I'm meeting with some escorts and strippers at a party related to the business tomorrow. I'm considering moving to a city or place where I can stay busier with calls. It has to be a place with warm temperature. Right now, I've been driving all over Arizona trying to chase business, because it dies here in the winter. I have a friend in Phoenix that runs an escort agency, so I work for her sometimes. Her calls are not real high dollar however. Hopefully, Vegas will bring me better luck. Arizona, in my view, is a very conservative state with regard to people's lifestyles. They are very intolerant, in my view, of sexworkers, stripper, porn stars and the like.

I live a very unconventional lifestyle as a sex worker, so it's hard for me to make a go of it here with all these Mormon nuts and family type people. I've never been able to settle down with anyone even before I got into this line of work. I think a lot of women are just not meant to settle down with one man. Some want more than one man, some want women, some want noone and some turn it into a business. No one complains about matchmaker sites and speed dating, but when it's just sexual pleasure for pay, there's a problem. The guy who runs eHarmony is setting people up on dates, and he gets paid to do this. So if these two people he sets up have sex, is he considered a pimp? Oh I know, it's only ok if it's one man with one woman who he intends to marry, because that's what the bible says. (rolls eyes)

Anyway, I'm starting to re-think marathoning. It takes me out of what I like to do. I can run for an hour, but I like to go at my own pace. I don't mind working on speed, but running for 26 miles seems to take a lot out of you. The training is all geared to that one day of long running which you do every other week. So it's all this down time until that one day within 2 weeks that you go 16, 18 or 20 miles in preparation for the big day. I think I'll do this marathon, but I don't know if I'll be doing many more. I prefer more diversity with activity, so I'm not doing the same thing all the time. I notice that I have a hard time following these regimented programs. I always end up having to go at my own pace. I know that I can run all out everyday, but today was a real slow day.

The Work I Have To Do Sometimes!

2007-12-03T02:28:00.000-08:00

Well as I've already said, I'm into expressing myself. This blogging site gives me an opportunity to do this. I've also looked into affiliate programs and google adsense as a way to generate revenue while doing it. I'm like great. I can make money doing what I love to do. It took me a long ass time to figure out how to modify and fix this site and all the rules and all the research I had to find out about. It became some serious work. I looked at one site and found a whole bunch of affiliate links. I had to pick which ones to use out of hundreds. I'll only pick ones that I use and believe in. As you can see, I haven't completed my list because I still need to fax in some tax information.

On another note, my ex, Wilson, came up to visit me again. This time, he was singing Christmas songs. Well, more like bellowing them. I told him several times to keep it down. This whole development that I live in is pretty quiet. Later on in the day, I had to go on a massage call about a half hour away. He understands that I have to work even if I have visitors over. I'm always busy doing something. Anyways, when I came back I had forgotten that I gave the gate opener to Wilson in order for him to get back into the development earlier. As a result, I had to climb over the gate to get in. I opened up the door to my house to tell Wilson about the gate opener and, of course, he is passed out on my bed. I found it on the counter. Back out I go into the cold and dark. It is now about 38 degrees F in the Sedona area now and there are no street lights.

The Verde Valley and Flagstaff have this problem. I call it the light disabled area. They don't believe in street lights anywhere and even in parking lots and streets where they do have lights, they are very dim. The area's whole reasoning for this? They don't want light pollution, and it interferes with people's ability to star gaze at the Lowell Observatory in Flagstaff and any other place that they want to stargaze. Personally, I prefer to be able to walk down the street without tripping and breaking my neck, but that just makes too much sense to these overkill environmentalists. Don't get me wrong, I very much care about the environment. I'm all for the preservation and repopulation of certain animals that are on the brink of extinction. I hate smog, air pollution and trash everywhere. I love clean oceans and natural environments.

But these people go a little too far. They are so environmentally carried away, they compromise people's safety and jobs. For instance, they refuse to make snow for our ski resort called the snow bowl in Flagstaff. The reason is because the native americans are saying that the mountain is sacred for them and the water used for the mountain is reclaimed water which is bad for the land. All this after they put in a ski lift, a lodge, cut down a bunch of trees to make slopes and paved a road through it. Now, Flagstaff is a town that is very dependent on tourism. Because there is no reason for people to come up to Flagstaff in the winter, many businesses suffer. People go to the Grand Canyon in the spring and summer and early fall. But late fall, winter and even early spring, it is way too cold to go hiking in the Canyon. The Snowbowl was supposed to be the answer for people to come up in the winter. But now, it's not happening.

Back Again!

2007-11-30T22:28:00.000-08:00

A few minutes ago, my ex-husband came up to visit me. We are still really good friends. He just gave me a lap dance. We have a very quirky relationship. I took him to Walmart the other day just to pick up a few things, and he kept making fart noises and blaming it on me. Now, Cottonwood, where I currently live, is a very conservative, working class family town with old-fashioned values. Needless to say, they didn't find us amusing. Me and my red spiked platform heels and flashy tops and Wilson and his goofy antics did little to impress them. I told Wilson after he shouted something hilarious that I live here and may want to come back here again. Little does anyone know that I'm in the sex business.

I've done everything from stripping, webcams, bachelor parties, massage parlours, phone sex and escorting. I haven't done films mostly because I wasn't born and raised out west or I probably would be a porn star. The business is a tough one, but I'm a born entertainer, so it's really hard to do anything else. One thing I can tell you and any 18 year old girl who thinks about getting started in this line of work is that it is not easy money by any means. It's a lot like car sales. Anyone can get a job, but most people don't last. Once they realize that it's a lot of hard selling and promoting yourself, they don't stick around. Eventually, it becomes work.

I used to sing in a band, and I have formal training in dance, but try getting a job in those fields. I'm too short to be a fashion model. I've considered fitness modeling and other types of modeling, but so far no offers.

My beautiful black kitty now wants my attention. I've been petting her and carrying her around. She is the prettiest cat in the world. She is solid black with a very long tail and greenish yellow eyes. Her eyes are like staring at a mood ring or marble. They vascillate between green, deep green, yellow, olive, darker olive. etc. Even in the sun, she is solid black. In real bright sun, you can see a tinge of ginger color which is how she got her name Ginger. My other cat is half Siamese and has some orange stripes on a white background. I named him Sugar. He has the deepest blue eyes and he is, by far, the most active cat that I've every had. He has been gaining weight, because he needs constant exercise. I've been so busy with work, blogging, exercize, preparing for Christmas, etc. that I haven't been providing him with the necessary exercise.

I am also an avid e-bayer. I sell jewelry all hand-made on e-bay as well as hand designed jean jackets with logos on the back, etc. Check me out under nordicbyrd70. Oh, here she comes. She just jumped on my lap. My big black angel. It is raining up a storm outside. It's rare to have rain out here, so everyone is happy except me. I grew up in New Jersey where it rains every other day, so I don't miss the rain. Our area of the country is hit with a drought, so we really do need the rain. I'm about 10 minutes from Sedona which is one of the prettiest places in the world.

Ciao for now.

New To Blogging

2007-11-29T22:08:00.000-08:00

Well, this is my first official blog on this site. I've been interested in doing something like this, because it gives me a chance to express myself and share myself with the world. I can share my experiences and my life.

I had my first root canal done a few days ago. Yippeee! It was disappointing in the respect that not only did I have to get up at 7 in the morning and fight through Phoenix traffic to get to this dentist, but I didn't even get any nitrous oxide. So, of course, I was a nervous wreck. I could have insisted on the nitrous oxide, but I didn't want to bother. They said the whole procedure would only take 25 minutes, so I figured that I'd just grin and bear it. Next, another dentist ended up drilling even more and putting a temporary crown over my tooth. I was a nervous wreck from it all, tired and glad that the dentist gave me a prescription for tylenol with codeine which I am going to take right now. Gulpp!

One thing that I've learned about taking any opiate derivatives is to never take them on an empty stomach. It will make you nauseaus. That's why first time heroin users throw up. I've never tried heroin nor do I wish to, but I've done oxycodin. I needed them after I got my breast implants. I couldn't sleep on my stomach, (I had boobs where there were none) and I was sore. When I had my appendix taken out, I was shot up with morphine then given vicodins to recover with. I'm pretty familiar with the opiates. It is real easy to get addicted to them, so you really have to be careful if you take them for recreational use. An opiate of any kind can make you feel that nirvana that can only come from meditation practice. Of course, most people don't want to do that kind of work and that's why we have junkies. Another side effect of opiates is constipation. No fun.

I think that I'm to bring my A game to my future dental hygiene. By A game, I mean brushing three times a day, flossing once or twice depending what I've eaten, rinsing with peroxide ( it works wonders) and getting my regular 6 month cleanings. I honestly never want to have to get another root canal done or any more cavities filled period. Hydrogen peroxide works wonders on your teeth. It kills any bacteria and germs that might even remotely be in your mouth. You can feel it killing all the germs. I bite the side of my mouth out of nervous habit, and that shit burns in your mouth. It gives me a good reason to quit that nasty habit. Also, it will whiten your teeth. Imagine those idiots spending thousands on teeth whitening procedures.

That's all for now.